The Event Horizon

You know when you’re out all day, specifically at a park or the lake or someplace kid-friendly, and you spend the whole day out and about? There’s no time for a sit down break, let alone a nap. You eat lunch on the go; there are always lots of people around. It’s beyond hot, but your kids don’t notice.

You make it to dinnertime, and your kids are clearly famished because they barely paused for a sip of water all day. They eat as fast as possible then still somehow want to play, because they didn’t get to blow bubbles yet, or play with the cars long enough, or just. Be. Loud.

Then it’s time to leave and head home, and this is it.

You’ve reached The Event Horizon—the point of no return. The time of day when it’s too late for a nap, but not quite bedtime, and everyone is beyond tired.

You know there’s no chance your toddler will head to the car without a fight. You try to get him to hug and kiss everyone goodbye, but he is just done. Done with listening, done with being nice, DONE.

You strap him into the car, load up the weeks worth of stuff you brought for the day, and get out of there as fast as you can because you know if you don’t, that overtired scene will happen in front of everyone, and you’d rather it happen in the privacy of your own home.

The kids fall asleep within 5 minutes of driving, because of course. It’s a nice peaceful ride home, and you think maybe they’ll just stay asleep for the night. They’re clearly exhausted, why wouldn’t they?

Then you get home and they wake up. Let the games begin.

Your husband takes your already crying toddler to the bath (god bless him), while you try and nurse a sweaty tired baby who wants NONE OF THAT. It’s too hot. He’s teething. He doesn’t want to eat or sleep. He doesn’t even want you to rock or cuddle him. WHAT DOES HE WANT?!

You can hear your toddler screaming BLOODY MURDER in the bathroom. The baby can also hear him, which is probably why he’s crying now too, and for a moment you think “This is it. This is the day I lose all my shit.”

The baby settles somewhat, so you put him in the crib to check on the toddler. He is screaming, “I can’t stop! I can’t stop!” (crying that is). He’s throwing stuff, he’s mad that he didn’t get to brush his teeth even though he literally just did, and keeps saying he wants to give grandpa a kiss goodbye since he refused to an hour before, even though grandpa is clearly nowhere in sight. You try and get him to focus for a minute so you can put his pajamas on, but this thing in front of you no longer resembles your child. You are certain he’s possessed.

Your husband says he can handle things while you go back to the fussy baby (Good luck, honey).

Eventually, the kids are miraculously asleep and you can breathe. You made it through The Event Horizon; from that overtired warzone to the blackness of sleep. You are a survivor. You’ve lived to see another day and you tell yourself that can’t happen again, but you know it will. It always does. Summer hasn’t even officially started yet, after all.

So until next time, savor the routine days and nights while you can. Days of both you and your kids knowing it’s bedtime, and getting there without much fuss. And most of all, try and get some sleep.

Real Truths About Parenting in NY

I’m going to go ahead and say this: parenting in the south (or someplace warm) is easier than parenting in the north. I am allowed to say this, because I’ve done both.

In the south you have to worry about bundling up for maybe a month or so out of the year. And by bundling up I mean heavy coat, hats, gloves, and boots. The full gamut. Up north, you have to bundle up for at least 5 MONTHS. It’s freaking cold up here.

Putting your child into a car seat bundled up like that is a) not recommended by safety professionals and b) a pain in the you know what, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to bring my child out when it’s 3 degrees and put him into a freezing cold car without a coat on. I’m sorry, but those videos you see on YouTube about car seat safety show a dummy child in a car seat with the chest buckle down by his waist and the straps adjusted to fit a grown man. Of course the child is going to fly right on out of there!

And I’m only talking about my toddler. With the baby I had to get a special insert for the car seat that was basically an insulated sleeping bag. I did not have to worry about any of this when I lived in the south! If you forgot to put a coat on your kid in January, fine. It would probably warm up to 60 degrees in a couple hours anyway. Up here, no coat in January means your child is freezing, probably going to get sick, and a potential call from Child Protective Services because what responsible mother would ever let her child out like that?!

It also takes longer to get dressed. Layers of clothing plus all the accouterments means it takes 20 minutes to leave the house instead of 5. It also means, MORE LAUNDRY! When its warm, kid laundry gets cut wayyy down, especially since the baby can just hang out in a diaper a lot of the time.

Which brings me to my next point. Now that it’s finally warmed up enough to spend more than 6 seconds outside without getting frostbite, we can play outside! And let me tell you, after a couple hours of running around the yard my kid is TIRED. He comes inside and TAKES AN ACTUAL NAP! The likes of which we haven’t seen all winter. It’s glorious. There’s also so much more to do when the weather is nice, and tired kids = happy mamas.

Don’t get me wrong, kids love playing in the snow. Sometimes I don’t even think my kid can feel cold temperatures, but kids need supervision, and I do not want to watch my child build a snow fort when I can’t even feel my own face. Sorry, kids. Mommy’s chilly.

And lastly, sleep. When you have a baby you aren’t allowed to use blankets due to the suffocation risk, so when it is cold and your baby’s room is the coldest one in the house, sleep doesn’t come easy! There were many nights our baby would wake and I would go in his room and his hands and face would be freezing cold. I tried a sleep sack and one of those things that looks like a flying squirrel suit, but he didn’t care for them. It’s much easier to sleep when it’s nice and warm.

So basically what it comes down to is the weather. Warmer weather makes things a lot easier. Period. Mothers of the cold north, UNITE!