Perfect Bedtimes

I give you a bath and you splash and play, wondering why you can’t grab the water and hold it in your hand like you can with your toys.

I take you out of the tub and dry you off. I put lotion on your already soft skin. I try to keep your curls in tact, but I always lose. Your hair is straight and fine like mine.

I put on your pjs and daddy kisses you off to bed. This quiet time is my favorite. I nurse you off to sleep, and when you pull away and rest your head, I can’t take my eyes from your sweet face. I could watch you all night.

You fight tiny glances at the room, at me. You reach to touch my face. You smile in your sleep. I always wonder what you dream about. I rub your little head and smooth your soft hair. If only nights were always like this.

Some nights you are wild and restless, but not tonight. Not this night. This perfect, sweet, serene night. If only I could keep this moment. Save it in a jar and hold onto it for another time. Other times. Whenever I need a moment of quiet happiness. You make my heart so full. It is only us in the world.

I finally lay you down in your crib. See you soon my little love. Mommy loves you.



Childcare/Working Woes

I’ve been working since my son was just 6 weeks old. 6 weeks?! I had to put him in daycare, because unfortunately we can’t afford for me to stay home.

Daycare didn’t work out so well, so after 8 months, we got a nanny. She’s been there a couple of weeks, and today I put in a nanny cam. Ugh, wow.

So far today she’s left him to cry in his crib for an hour. She came in a couple times just to pick him up and lay him back down. I just want to scream “HE DOESN’T WANT TO NAP!!!” Maybe the camera was a bad idea, but I’m heart broken seeing him cry for so long.

The camera died (iPad, not an actual camcorder) shortly after that.

Im sick to my stomach over what I saw. Am I overreacting? Should I tell her we have a camera? Maybe she’s not as upset over his cries because he’s not her baby. Maybe she is one of those “cry it out” subscribers. Well I’m not and I wish we were on the same page.

I recently took a personality test at work and turns out I’m not ok with conflict, so I really don’t know how to go about dealing with this.

I just want to be a stay at home mom. On my lunch breaks I go to the park some days and see moms there with their kids. I wish so badly that were me. 😦

Any advice or encouragement is appreciated. TGIF at least!