Mom Who?

My son pretty much stopped loving me as soon as my milk dried up. 

When dad’s around, he only wants him to hold him. When I hold him he reaches for dad and squirms out of my arms. If I try to snuggle with him on the couch he acts like he wants to get down then runs over to dad and sits on his lap. One morning I scooped him up out of his crib and he cried until dad came and took him from me. It’s heartbreaking. 

Even when we play together, all 3 of us, he would rather throw the ball to dad. Look at this, dad. Come do this with me, dad. When dad leaves the house he runs to the window and gets sad. Does he do that when I leave? Probably not. 

I sacrificed for months carrying him in my belly, then sacrificed more nursing him for a year. I love him so much I can’t put it into words, yet I don’t think it’s mutual. 

He does come to me when he is hurt or sick or scared, but even lately he’s started reaching for dad. 

I’m thrilled he loves his father, but why doesn’t he love me? 

Maybe it’s because I can’t hold him as long before my arms get too sore. Or maybe dad is better at making funny voices. Or maybe it’s just because they are both boys. Whatever it is, it hurts. 

I’m hoping it’s just a phase, but what if it’s not? What if we have more children and the same thing happens? What can I do to make him love me again? 

Has this happened to anyone else?


Thoughts at a 4am Wake-Up Call

Why are you awake?! You aren’t supposed to be up for another 2 hours! Maybe if we rock you for a moment you will fall back asleep. No? Fine. I’ll warm up a bottle. You are so sweet when you’re sleepy. I love you so much.” 

 He falls back asleep. I knock my water off the night stand and it magically lands upright, not spilling. My husband thinks I’ve started an electrical fire, even though I told him nothing spilled.

5:15am: “Really?! Again?! Maybe you have a fever. I’ll come console you. You’re head doesn’t feel extra warm. I haven’t cuddled you in a while, so this is ok. Let’s just rock here for a bit. Hopefully I’ll be back in bed in 20 mins…Are you asleep? Yes, I think so. *attempts to lay baby back in his crib and he immediately cries* Ugh! You were just ASLEEP!! Come on, just lay back down in your nice crib with your nice blanky and go back to sleep, it’s ok. No? Not going to happen? Fine. I’ll put you back on my shoulder for a bit. 

What time is it now? 5:30? If it were light out maybe I’d just go for a run once he is back in his crib. Yeah right, who am I kidding? I’m exhausted and would much rather sleep. Will I ever run again? I miss running. I miss being in shape. I need to run a half marathon before baby #2. Why bother though? Why get in shape again only to lose it? Maybe I can keep running while pregnant next time. What baby names do I like now? Sawyer will probably get popular after this kid on The Voice. I still like it. 

Are you asleep enough to put back in your crib? Let’s try it. Nope, crying again. Sigh. I guess I’ll just try to sleep while sitting upright in this rocker. If I fall asleep will I drop you? This is not comfortable. Sleep is not going to happen. Thanks a lot, kid. You enjoy sleeping on mommy’s shoulder while her arm falls asleep holding you there. One day you won’t fit on my lap and I will be sad. Do I really have to go to work today? It’s not fair. I’m too tired. I will surely fall asleep at my boring desk all day. Maybe I’ll bring you into my bed with me and you can sleep on my chest while I lay down! *carries baby boy into bedroom and lays down* 

 There. Isn’t this nice? We can both just sleep here for a little bit. *baby wakes up and looks around. Sees it’s dark and he’s not in his room and starts to fuss* FINE! *carries him back to his room, and assumes the position in the rocker*

Welp. That’s it. Getting up at 4am it is. *note: did not really fall back asleep between wakings* I’ll just stay here until my husband comes to tell me it’s my turn to get in the shower. I need sleep. I wish I could stay home for a whole day and just sleep the whole time. I could easily do it. I need to sleep for at least a week to catch up. I wonder if my husband thinks I look old and tired. I feel old and tired. Your little arm is twitching. You are snoring. Don’t worry, I won’t try to put you down again. Your hair is a little curly from being warm up against my neck. You have my hair. Fine and straight and golden. Only curly when wet. I like when you are asleep. It’s the only time you want to cuddle with me these days. 

What time is it now? Is my husband up? I think I hear the shower. I need to close my eyes. Here comes the dog. Don’t wake him up.” 

 6:20am: *husband comes in to relieve me. I get in the shower* “I’m so tired. This day is impossible. I thought it was a lucky day after the water didn’t spill. That seems like hours ago. It is a lucky day. Every day is lucky. I’m so tired. A hot shower will feel great right now…” 

 And now I’m sitting at my desk at work, barely able to stay awake. Luckily, baby boy doesn’t always do this, and he just wasn’t feeling good. Tonight will be better…

(Picture from a year ago today. So little!)